Living in My Head: Postpartum OCD

Postpartum OCD isn’t something people warn you about. They tell you about baby blues, postpartum depression, the exhaustion, the sleepless nights. But no one really talks about the kind of thoughts that claw their way into your head and make you afraid of yourself.

For me, postpartum OCD looks like this: I’ll be holding my baby and suddenly my brain flashes the most horrifying image — something happening to him, something unthinkable. Not because I want it, but because my mind won’t stop playing cruel, unwanted movies. It looks like checking his breathing over and over. It looks like washing my hands until they’re raw because I’m terrified of germs. It looks like avoiding certain situations because my brain convinces me I might somehow cause harm.

Here’s the truth: these are intrusive thoughts, and they’re the hallmark of postpartum OCD. They’re not wishes, they’re not hidden desires, they’re not signs that I’m a bad mom. They’re mental noise — intrusive, repetitive, terrifying noise. And the compulsion (the “OCD” part) is me trying to undo them: checking, cleaning, avoiding, replaying, seeking reassurance.

What makes postpartum OCD so cruel is the shame. I don’t want to admit the thoughts out loud, because what if someone takes them the wrong way? What if they think I’m dangerous, when the reality is I’d do anything to protect my baby? Postpartum OCD attacks the very thing you love most and convinces you that you’re unsafe to be around them.

If you’ve never experienced it, it’s easy to dismiss. But for the moms who have — you know how isolating it feels. You know the guilt that follows every thought. You know the endless cycle of “what ifs.”

Today, my postpartum OCD is loud. It has me double-checking, overthinking, and second-guessing every move I make. But I’m writing this to remind myself (and maybe someone else reading this): intrusive thoughts do not define me. They are not the truth. They are not who I am.

And if you’re reading this and it sounds like you — you are not alone. Postpartum OCD is more common than people think, and it is treatable. Speaking up about it doesn’t make you dangerous. It makes you brave.


Resources

If you or someone you know is struggling with postpartum OCD or intrusive thoughts:

  1. Postpartum Support International (PSI): Call or text their helpline at 1-800-944-4773 or visit postpartum.net for support and resources.
  2. National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (U.S.): 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (1-833-943-5746) — available 24/7.
  3. If you ever feel like you or your baby are in immediate danger, please call 911 (U.S.) or your local emergency number right away.
  4. Talking with a therapist, psychiatrist, or OB-GYN who understands postpartum mental health can make a huge difference.

You deserve help. You deserve peace. You deserve to feel like yourself again.

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